🍇 Soul Snacks

3 min read

Dear Snackers,

The. Mental. Load. Again.

I polled the audience and, overwhelmingly, people wanted me to write about the mental load. The mental load, as far as I can tell, is a problem unique to women that greatly magnifies after having kids. In truth, I don’t know a single mother that does not feel as though she carries the majority of the mental load, even when the parents are equal earners or both work full time. There are biological and societal factors that appear to play into women’s load-bearing equation. Let’s start with the definition of the mental load – Google’s AI definition of the mental load is described as, “the cognitive and emotional work that's required to manage life, often including the lives of others. It can refer to the mental tasks involved in running a household, or the extra work and responsibilities taken on in the workplace.”

Naturally, when more people are added to a family, the mental load is going to increase. From a biological standpoint, women begin to absorb the lion’s share of the mental load in pregnancy. The doctor’s appointments, the cautionary food choices, the maternity clothing, the list goes on forever. Societally, preparing for a baby is a maternal responsibility - until recently with the introduction of “Jack and Jill” baby showers, a man at a baby shower was like seeing a fish ride a bicycle. The dad is often off with the boys while the mother is attending a course disguised by cupcakes as a “party” to view, receive and become acquainted with all the things the baby is going to need. Need your breastfeeding pillow for the hospital, but its stored amongst a sea of baby stuff, and your partner won’t recognize it unless you use your precious energy to explain where and what it is? You’re probably just going to get off your pregnant ass and waddle over to find it yourself….because when you already know what and where things are…say it with me…it’s easier to get it your fucking self sometimes. Even when the baby first arrives, breastfeeding moms take their newborns to those first appointments with the pediatrician to discuss the ins and outs of feeding so, even if dad is present, they are an accessory to the conversation. That tends to kick off mom leading the charge with doctor’s appointments, which translates to being privy to medical records making it more likely for the mother to take over with school forms, sports forms and so on and so forth. These are things that happen very early on in your life as parents and have huge implications on your mental load down the line. Extricating yourself from these maternally driven systems takes a lot of un-doing, if you will. 

We could commiserate over how much it sucks to feel like you’re the one doing all the thinking, particularly as it pertains to the kids, but complaining won’t change anything either. Unfortunately, the answer to balancing out the mental load often seems to take even more effort on your part - explaining, planning and implementing changes. Unless you make it a priority, you stay in the cycle of taking things on yourself because it feels like the faster and easier way to cross it off your to do list, plus, it’s going to get done exactly the way you want. If your anxiety over constantly feeling responsible for everyone’s schedule and well-being has been contributing to control issues, you’re not alone. Letting go of control, when it has to do with your kids, is hard because…say it with me…society makes moms feel like shit when they feel like they’re not doing everything perfectly. 

There is no one size fits all answer to the mental load. In my home, for example, my husband’s job requires him to be gone early before anyone’s up, and often home after dinner when the day is done. Monday through Friday, because my work is so flexible, the kids scheduling, feeding, appointments, you name it, falls on me, and that’s just the way it has to be. I’d also personally prefer my day to day flexibility over his demanding schedule. On the weekends, however, I ask that he take over with the thinking and initiating of meals. I don’t mind helping execute, I just desperately need a break from all the thinking around it. 

I am not an expert in this field, but I certainly understand the pain points. Harboring the majority of the mental load effects my stress, anxiety, libido, sleep, and overall ability to chill the fuck out. I’m still reminding myself that if I want change, I have to invest the time to make those changes happen, even when that feels exhausting. One thing I know for certain (that might be helpful for your male counterparts), is when my husband voices his appreciation for me, willingly takes on more where possible and, especially when he takes initiative and I don’t have to ask, it increases his sexiness by a factor of ten. That’s science. 

Caitlin 

• FOLLOW: Luckily there are people who have actual solutions for you when it comes to the mental load. For help on how to address the conversations around the mental load with your partner check out Dr. Morgan Cutlip, she's amazing, and another favorite of mine, Eve Rodsky, author of Fairplay and the creator of the Fairplay deck which provides a tangible and easy way to divide many of the tasks that fall under the mental load umbrella. 

• LISTEN: This might not solve your mental load problems, but it sure is a great rage cleaning playlist.