🍉 Soul Snacks

5 min read

Dear Snackers,

This past week on Instagram I’ve been sharing about a bully saga that my oldest kid, who is ten, has been experiencing during lacrosse practices over the last couple weeks. The team is made up of kids from multiple towns, so we did not know anyone coming onto the team. One of his teammates, in particular, has been a real little dick zipper. Naturally, I wanted to rip the kid a new asshole, but the rational adult in me gave pause. Nonetheless, I was gutted seeing my son post practice with his head a little lower, wondering why someone would hit him with their stick while standing in line for drills, criticize him for his play, and make fun of him for every mistake he made – this is not what teammates were supposed to be all about. 

I was anxious and impatient, wanting to get to the bottom of this immediately. I found myself nearly looking forward to the next practice, so I could collect more intel on the bully and assess the next steps – that is really the crux of the pain point for parents when your kid is getting bullied – are you going to have to step in, or is your kid going to be able to handle it and diffuse it organically? Am I warming up my right hook or am I sitting back and shutting the fuck up?

I desperately wanted my son’s distress to end. Not for nothing, since my son has been through cancer, wears glasses, and is the nicest nerd you’ve ever met (and I mean “nerd” in the best, most affectionate way possible) my heart feels particularly ripped out and stomped upon when he is enduring any emotional pain. It’s not the first time, either. He’s been the target of unkindness in the past, though thankfully not anything unrelenting. Seeing this as a theme for him is heartbreaking…but there is another theme in my son’s life which is, without fail, being the bigger person. I will confess that I have absolutely nothing to do with his vast emotional maturity. Irrefutably, I am his student. Calum has taught me that, probably the most powerful way to conduct yourself in life, is to abandon your ego while maintaining an incredibly strong sense of self. He’s not impenetrable to the hurt, but he is impenetrable to giving up hope in seeing the good in others. He never stops trying to be kind to people, even when they’ve hurt him. I shamefully admit I have seen it as a weakness in him, but I’m beginning to understand it is his superpower. 

In preparation for his next practice, I attempted to arm Calum with some solid zingers to throw at the bully in case he needed them – stuff like, “you’re going to be asking me for a job someday, ass hat.” – alas, he is simply not equipped to take that tone with others, and instead ignored the bully’s snide remarks. He did, however, hit him back with his own stick when the bully poked at him in line, and I know he felt good about taking some physical action in retaliation. Calum played his toughest on the field that day, but also took every opportunity to compliment his agitator on the good plays he’d made during practice, essentially killing him with kindness. A couple of kids on his team also befriended him that day, which was a tremendous help to his spirits. 

We can’t fix everything for our kids, and that’s really hard. I was/am absolutely ready to intervene if things worsen, but I’m happy I kept my mouth shut and allowed my son to work through this situation on his own terms, in his own way. I’m starting to absorb that the right way to fix a problem may not always be MY way, and may not always be the fastest way…unless someone puts their hands on you, then punch them in the throat as fast as you can. 

— Caitlin

•  LISTEN TO THIS! All this bully talk got me thinking back to middle school - a time when we inevitably experienced some painful social situations. I put together this playlist (with your help of course) to transport us back to a time where we were probably going through some shit and to remind us that we all made it out alive - something to consider for our kiddos, too. Phew. 

• SHOP: Speaking of middle school....I'm back on the Birkenstocks train, now too. Just picked up this pair for summer. Loving the white, washable material.