❤️ Soul Snacks

5 min read

Dear Snackers,

In my last Soul Snacks, I discussed the phenomenon of why it can sometimes feel easier to parent and operate when your spouse is not around. While in no way do I feel as though it would be even close to an easier life to be a single parent, every now and again, being a solo parent feels like a break from the mental load - one less person to fucking consider, if you know what I’m sayin. I also noted, however, that I typically love having my husband around because he’s a lot of fun and a great shag…a statement which got a lot of attention on the reviews. 

How do you keep your marriage fun when you’re in the thick of it with kids? one reader asked, and When are we finding the time and energy to shag when you’re exhausted and the kids are around all the time? questioned another. Before I answer those questions from my personal perspective, I wanted to share with you the results of a survey taken by Emily Oster, that examined the frequency with which people have sex, as it correlates to the age of their youngest child. What the survey found was that the frequency of sex increased with the age of children. Also notable was that the majority of couples are having sex 1-2 times per month, except in the case of people with kids aged five and up, where there was a 2% increase in couples who were having sex 1-2 times per week….1-2 times per week was also the next most popular sexy time frequency across the board.

When it comes to keeping marriage fun, that is a choice. First thing’s first, if you’re not enjoying your partner’s company, you’re not going to want to bang them unless it’s hate sex, which sounds very unhealthy - I’m just calling it like I see it, OK? If your kids are at the age where they’re constantly up your ass, that might have a lot to do with it, too. The totally obvious thing to do is to get away from your kids for a weekend and see if you still like your spouse, but that’s also not realistic for everyone. If that’s not in the cards for you, maybe start by sending them a fun text during the day about an inside joke between the two of you, or something loving or sweet - anything that is non-logistical and good natured will do - small gestures like that can go such a long way. Sometimes when life is stressful and hectic with work, house-related shit, or kid schedules, I almost put up a wall with my husband because I feel like I don’t have the bandwidth to pay attention to “us” in addition to everything else on my plate when, in reality, it only takes a little bit more connecting to remember why you fell in love with that person in the first place. When I take down the wall and make time for a real hug and a real kiss when he gets home from work, or when I use self-deprecating humor about how overwhelming life is, rather than being defensive or perfectionistic, I can literally feel myself wanting to be closer to him. The message here is that I don’t always feel in sync with my husband, but our relationship is probably the most important thing in the world to me, so when I feel space between us, I make an effort to close that gap because I need to feel close to him in order to feel whole, and so does he. 

As for the shagging…I know that libido is a massive issue for many women, particularly when you’re dealing with sleepless nights and small children touching you non stop, and really, we should only ever be expected handle one household member sucking on our nipples at a time for fuck’s sake. If you look at the numbers from Emily Oster’s survey, though, people aren’t even getting busy all that often, so it is obviously a very prevalent and normal issue. Still, any dummy can tell you that sex is seriously important to intimacy, especially for men so, sometimes even when you’re not totally up for it, you gotta put out. It’s a little like working out - even if you didn’t feel like doing it, you’re always happy once it’s over. A female family member of mine who is probably 25 years older than me once told me something about sex and marriage that really stuck with me - she said, “it doesn’t matter how often you do it, as long as the person you’re doing it with still does it for you.” Remember, it only takes a spark to start a fire. I’ll leave you with that. 

-Caitlin

• EAT: I love nothing more than dinner ideas, so here is a link I recently came across with 75 kid-friendly recipes. I rarely, if ever, follow any of these kinds of recipes verbatim, but I love to get an idea or two out of them every now and then for something new to add into the absolute fucking monotony of fucking dinner...