🍗 Soul Snacks

1 min read

Dear Snackers,

I polled the audience again to find out what topics people were interested in reading about on Soul Snacks. Many of you wanted to hear about back to school mayhem, how to decide to have another kid, mom cliques, and fitness, but the most repeatedly requested topic seemed to be about maintaining a marriage after kids, so here it goes…

This past week I traveled to Jackson, Wyoming with my family. Once a year, almost always at the end of summer, my husband takes two weeks off work and, since my son finished cancer treatment, we have taken the kids away somewhere. As far as family trips go, this one checked all the boxes: hours of packing, two exhausting days of travel, several thousand sibling spats, makeshift meals cooked in our rental house when we were sick of asking our kids to behave in restaurants, all the family activities, late bedtimes, lazy mornings, level ten exhaustion, a shit load of laughter, and a few precious moments that made it all completely worthwhile. What does this have to do with maintaining a marriage after kids you ask? Everything.

We often play the “rose/thorn” game as a family at the end of the day, or on a Sunday evening to recap the weekend, or at the end of a family adventure - each of us recounting our highs and lows to each other. For my rose, I usually say something that has to do with the whole family and always include my kids, but if I was being truly honest, at the end of this trip, my rose was the hour or so each evening when we returned back to our house after a day of raging activity, and my husband and I sat on the patio to decompress, sharing a quiet drink together while the kids watched a movie. We chuckled at the absurd shit our kids said throughout the day, talked about the things we truly want out of life, and played games like asking which friends of ours we would want to travel with to different places with and why, or if we would rather have a penis for a nose or a vagina for a mouth. Ew.

The thing about this evening ritual, though, is that we carve out that time for each other in real life as often as possible, and whenever we have the opportunity to do it, it is my rose for the day. On weekend mornings when we can chill, we will sit and have coffee and chat alone for as long as our kids or schedule will allow, and what this special time comes down to, for me, is my genuine love of my husband’s company. It is those moments in between the chaos of children, work, and all the hassles of adult life that I am reminded of what I loved about him from the beginning and, more importantly, what I love about him now, as we have grown and changed as adults. I am often completely overwhelmed by the pace of life with three kids – it is truly relentless – but my husband and I both came from homes where our parents’ marriages dissolved and knew how deeply we wanted our marriage to be successful. Marriage takes effort – it is a daily effort to remind myself of how important he is to me, and to focus my energy on the things that I respect and love about him, rather than on anything negative, and although making time for each other is crucial, mentality is just as important. Mindset is not enough to save a toxic relationship, but it sure as shit is enough to make a good one a great one.

Caitlin 

• READ: Since we’re on the theme of marriage this week, thought this article would be of interest.

• LISTEN: This playlist is a re-run, but it’s one of my all time favorites and it was made for back to school - it’s your non kid friendly “Drop Off Dance Party” for when you’re finally alone in your car.