Soul Snacks 🍁

4 minute read

Dear Snackers,

WELCOME BACK! It’s been a dog’s age since I’ve written a Soul Snacks, and man, it feels good to be back. I’d taken a hiatus from Soul Snacks because I have been working on finishing my book, which I turned in on November 3^rd - hooray! Writing is my first love when it comes to creative expression, so to have turned in the first draft of my book feels pretty great, but it’s been a stressful lead into the finish line, for reasons outside of my control. As most of you likely saw on my Instagram story yesterday, I have had a rough go the last couple of weeks and, thinking back, I guess it’s been more like a tough couple of months…let’s rewind, shall we?

At the beginning of September, the day before school started, which is great timing to feel like shit, I got a horrible throat infection and was prescribed an antibiotic that, unfortunately, wasn’t effective for me. I was sick for quite some time and, right around when I was beginning to feel better, I’d noticed some giant, firm lymph nodes in Calum’s neck (my oldest son who had Leukemia). He was not sick and they appeared out of nowhere so, given his health history, my husband and I were fully freaked out – his pediatrician took the situation seriously as well and ordered bloodwork for him that day, which was a Saturday, of fucking course, because all scary medical things have to go down on a weekend when it is harder to get care. Luckily, they squeezed him in to get his blood drawn at a local hospital. Thank God, bloodwork came back clean and, eventually, though not for a good few more weeks, the lymph nodes subsided. We sort of determined it was just reactive lymph nodes, which is not uncommon and also a good reminder that things that appear abnormal are often totally harmless, and can also take time to resolve. I shared about this on Instagram and the way that anxiety hit me like a fucking freight train—there is nothing that takes your breath away like a threat to your child’s health or safety. 

Right as that fire went out, strep throat struck again. The kids and I all tested positive for strep, but Lukey and I were the only ones who actually had symptoms. His symptoms were fairly mild, but I was debilitated. Strep as an adult really takes it out of you, so I was prescribed a very strong antibiotic, which made me start feeling better within literal hours of my first dose. About a week later, I was back on my feet again. I also happened to have my annual appointment for a mammogram and ultrasound (I always get an ultrasound with my mammogram because I have dense breasts, as does seemingly everyone else I’ve talked to, which means everyone should be getting a freaking ultrasound, for God’s sake). Truthfully, I walk into my annual breast check-ups pretty cocky—I am young and have zero history of breast cancer in my family, so of all the health-related shit I worry about (which is a lot of shit) getting breast cancer is not typically on my radar. When I got a call back from my GYN an hour later letting me know they had found a concerning lump on my right breast, I was rattled. Like the information whore I am, I started Googling everything I could about what the results of my ultrasound indicated. I also reached out to a few people who have experience with breast abnormalities and, from what I gathered, the lump was highly suspicious. I spent the first 24 hours after my ultrasound in a bit of a panic, but started to come to terms with the idea that, if in fact the lump was malignant, I was just going to have to put my head down and handle it. I was obviously praying for the best-case scenario, but I decided that if I needed to have a mastectomy, at least I would get some brand-new titties out of this. I am not typically able to calm myself down so quickly, but after our scare with my son and my constant self-reminders, I’m beginning to accept that worst-case scenarios, even though my mind will always go there, are highly unlikely…in fact, of all the hard things I have had to face, the “worst case” scenario has never happened. After what we have gone through with my son’s cancer, the only true worst-case scenario would be losing someone…it is that knee-jerk reaction to the fear of something irreversible that can debilitate me, and my undying gratitude for my family’s health that manifests as anxiety. I don’t know what I did to be so lucky, and yet, will I always be so lucky? Life’s utter lack of guarantees can be crushing at times. 

The next day was Halloween, and I shifted my focus and decided to just enjoy the holiday with my kids. We had a great night trick or treating, came home, ate a shitload of candy, and watched Jim Carey in The Mask before bed (the kids loved it). Usually on Halloween I limit my candy intake to a few favorite pieces and try not to go crazy, but this year, I ate candy like I was going to the fucking electric chair. Overnight in bed, I started to feel incredibly itchy and, by morning, I had a full body rash. The stress of my ultrasound and my sugar intake probably didn’t help, but the antibiotic I was on caused somewhat of a severe allergic reaction. I spent a few days looking like I belonged in a Leper colony, but once the antibiotics were out of my system the rash went away and, luckily, I had been on them long enough to kill the strep. 

I had to wait eight days to have the biopsy, which is technically eight years because, as everyone who has waited on important medical testing or results knows, each day of waiting is equivalent to one year. Historically I don’t really believe in signs, but I saw multiple ladybugs over the course of the week, and I looked at the clock at exactly 11:11am four times, and also decided, fuck it, maybe I do believe in signs because if there is something that is going to make you feel better when life is getting you down, why not lean into all the wins? My mom also came here to be with me for the whole week, and there is nothing quite like having your mom by your side when you’re scared. We had the nicest week together, and I kind of took the pressure off myself on all fronts, which felt a little like a vacation. 

Biopsy day arrived and, when they were doing the ultrasound to locate the lump before getting the sample, the doctor noted that the lump had changed since the initial imagining, and now looked much less concerning. They almost did not take the biopsy, and believed the lump originally looked worse due to hormonal changes in my breast tissue on account of the fact that the first images were taken during the week leading up to my period. I had gotten my period by the time of the biopsy, and I guess my fucking hormones had settled down, because the tissue was looking better…moral of the story is don’t schedule your annual breast imaging during the luteal phase. They did take the biopsy in the end, which I was happy about because otherwise they would have had me come back for a new ultrasound in another 3 months, and I would have been nervous waiting on that. After collecting the samples she needed, the doctor told me that she has been doing this a lot of years and that, without being able to confirm anything 100%, the sample looked very normal. In my experience, doctors do not usually give you good news unless they have evidence, so I took her words as a huge comfort. The biospy was only mildly uncomfortable, and although I could not dance or bounce for a few days, the pain was minimal.

It could be another week before the results come back, but I am banking on the initially positive feedback, and the nearly non-existent chance of the worst-case scenario. While life has been slightly more stressful than usual lately, going through challenges and getting to the other side, is another opportunity to gain strength. Somehow, I feel luckier than ever before. Life is so hard sometimes, but the things that feel threatening are often just drawn-out reminders of why it is all so precious. Thanks for everyone’s well wishes and support – I’ll keep you posted. 

-Caitlin

PS if you’re a new subscriber, Soul Snacks is usually not this long.