🍿Soul Snacks

4 min read

Dear Snackers,

My kids are on their winter break from school this week which, between sicknesses, snow days, and other random days off sprinkled throughout the school calendar, feels pretty fucking close to a normal school week, except for the fact that we are in Vermont and my husband is around….until Tuesday morning when, unexpectedly, he had to go back to New York for something that came up at work. We had planned on being here as a family, which we’d been looking forward to - actually I should say that he had especially been looking forward to because he loves skiing and, for him, being with our kids everyday is a welcomed change of pace. I, on the other hand, would probably rather be on a beach somewhere, titty tassel ready with an umbrella in my drink and…dare I say it…without my kids. I’ve been feeling pretty burnt out lately if I’m being honest, and I could use some sun on this death-kissed face and a break from breakfast, lunch and dinner, which metaphorically to me just means “all the mundane bullshit”. 

Though I am terribly bummed out for my husband, I have a secret…sometimes it feels easier not to have to factor in one more person’s needs or agenda when you’re feeling burnt out, and let’s face it, there aren’t a lot of parents (and probably more so moms) that aren’t feeling totally burnt out most of the time. This is redundant, but caring for your family is constant, relentless work. Our children fill our hearts beyond what we thought the capacity was, and yet, completely deplete our energy reserves. Saving space for your partner when your energy is zapped is both a choice and an effort. Which brings me to my question, is solo parenting easier?

This week while my husband was back in New York, and I was alone in the arctic tundra, I felt an inexplicable source of relief when it came to making decisions about our day. Physically, I took on more work because I had to complete all the tasks on my own. I got the kids ready for skiing, and I made sure the snow was cleared off the car, and the meals were planned, prepared and served, but mentally, my workload will have been lightened simply because I am not having to discuss with or factor in one more person to all my mental labor, and that mental labor is what wears me down. It is an elimination of the monotonous conversations around scheduling that sometimes make me loathe the sound of my own voice. “What’s the plan for today,” I’ll blather midway through breakfast, “should we take the kids out for lunch or stay in,” even I want to tell myself to shut the fuck up and, finally, the pinnacle of everyone’s humdrum questions, “what do you want to do for dinner tonight?” I can’t fucking stand it, yet, these are things that have to be discussed everyday when you’re parallel-parenting. And everyone who’s a parent knows it’s not just what we’re doing or eating - it’s how each child’s schedule and needs are worked into those equations - figuring out who’s getting kid one to practice ABC, or kid two to birthday party 123, and so on and so forth with do we need more eggs, or paper products, and what time is the guy coming to fix the furnace, and blah blah fucking blah. 

Here’s my conclusion - actual solo parenting is definitely not easier. There is no world in which it is less work to have two functioning, loving parents working together vs one (plus I love hanging out with my husband and he is a great shag), BUT even considering that question means I probably need to make some shifts in my mental load bearing. Once a quarter or so, I’ll have a little meltdown and let my husband know how overwhelmed I am by the constant thinking surrounding the bazillion decisions that have to be made around our family. He will empathize and offer to help. He will spring into action and get the kids out of the house and come home two hours later with groceries and a plan for dinner, which is awesome, but we never implement any actual “rules” that move the needle in my day to day life. This is partly because I hate rules and feel as though, largely, they are made to be broken, but also because I can be a bit of a control freak. It is sometimes really hard for me to hand over tasks to someone else and I hate asking for help. Not for nothing, my husband is also working his ass off. Indeed, we both work our asses off. 

The other day, however, my husband and I were having another one of our delightful chats about my mental load, when he suggested taking over making school lunches. The problem is, I know it is not a realistic solution since he is often home really late and up really early. Instead, I suggested maybe he just takes over lunch-making on Mondays and Tuesdays since he would have time on Sunday night to make lunch and is often home early on Mondays, so instead of shutting it down all together, we came up with a plan that works. This might not sound like much to other people, but to me, this feels like a huge relief for a couple reasons; first, because I despise making lunches, so to have a minimum of two days where I am not doing it is going to feel like my birthday. Second, because I am relinquishing control of one of “my jobs”, which feels like a stride for me on a deeper level. I’m both accepting help and letting go of my own system, and that is actually hard for me. Doing this also allows my husband to become fully acquainted with this part of my routine, making it easier for him to help me in the future on the odd Thursday morning or whatever that I might need him to do lunches.

Agreeing on this longterm, realistic new protocol feels like something that will truly help me, and it helps my husband too because, let’s be real, everyone wins when mom wins. It’s a step in the right direction. Though I’d rather be swimming up to a bar and ordering a margarita this afternoon, coming to Vermont and thinking about solo parenting ignited a truly positive change for me, so I’m happy about that. Though I’ll miss my husband and will be excited when he returns, I am also going to relish in giving my kids dinner in front of a movie, while I zone out a bit. I suppose, too, if we’re looking at the positives, at least I didn’t have to decide what shoes to wear up here since you only fucking need snow boots. 

-Caitlin