🍊Soul Snacks

3 min read

Dear Snackers,

It’s the New Year…who gives a fuck? It’s not that I have anything against checking in with yourself or goal setting, but I’m experiencing a particular distaste for the somewhat forced nature of “resolutions” this year. At the beginning of January, I typically feel pretty burnt out and kind of weird in general. That transition from the cheery festivities of the holidays to the sudden catapult back to reality, coupled with all the talk of fitness and self-improvement feels harsh and daunting. Hectic and tiring as they are, I really enjoyed the holiday season this year and even though I know that, come January, it is probably time for me to stop drinking like a little fishy and eating like a wolf, something about the pressure of New Year’s resolutions and “getting back on track” feels like more of a punishment for having enjoyed myself than true self-improvement.

Most moms are already putting an immense amount of pressure on ourselves to do more, and I personally have been working really hard to absolve myself of that. The older I get, the more I realize that when I try too hard to appease the societal standards set for women and mothers these days, the less I like who I become. This pressure, whether real or imagined, typically turns me into more of a control-seeking martyr, eternally frustrated by my inability to be perfect in all categories assigned to women, including but not limited to: looks, size, homemaking/cooking/decor, organizational and administrative tasks, boss babe, protein intake, steps in a day, maternal prowess, patience, and overall willingness to be self-sacrificing. When I inevitably fail at fulfilling such lofty expectations, I experience guilt and shame. 

I’d say about 75% of the time I lose my temper with my kids, it is because I was feeling stressed about the amount of shit I had to get done, or realizing that I messed up on something silly like a forgotten sign up or some other to-do list item. I’ll experience what feels like an overactive stress response to somewhat of an insignificant stimuli and, embarrassingly, that stress will send me into a bit of a tirade at times. I’ll let them know their rooms are a disaster in a critical tone, or that they’re taking entirely too long to eat breakfast and it’s making us late (which is actually true, they sit there like they’re having fucking omakase every morning), and I hate that the brunt of my own hypercritical tendencies, inherited through trying to live up to the back-breaking pressure on women to “do-it-all”, is sometimes beared by my kids. I don’t want to be that mom. The remedy? I need to ease up on myself. It is OK to mess up, it is OK for things to be messy, and a lack of order when raising kids is completely normal. I am working on recognizing my self-critical feelings, and putting down the proverbial stick before I start beating myself up over my “shortcomings”. I’m trying so hard to offer myself immediate forgiveness, rather than allowing that stress response to effect the way I interact with my family. 

Yes, it’s the beginning of January and I’m no longer in party mode, but much more importantly, what I truly need more of in my life is not a healthy kick-start. What I need more of in my life is less self-punishment. I’m working on accepting, without shame or guilt, the person I am on any given day of the week. Some days I am irritated and cynical (I tend to make my best content on these days), other days I am patient and playful (I tend to laugh more on these days). Some days I feel highly motivated to check tasks off my to do list, and others I just fucking can’t. Once a quarter or so I feel like organizing my pantry, but usually I just stuff snacks wherever the fuck I can fit them. It’s OK to not always be the most “flattering” version of yourself. Starting now, I’ll be honoring the “lesser” version of myself. I’m not going to strive to be that version of myself more, I’m just not going to punish myself for it. I’ll be reminding myself that I am evolving, especially when I am failing or flailing, and that is a good thing. Less pressure, better me.

Happy New Year, 

Caitlin

• LISTEN: Sharing my OG Big Time Adulting playlist for a solid January pick-me-up.

• READ: In the spirit of January and all of its dreadfulness, I will not be going entirely dry this month, but rather giving a "damp" approach to drinking for the next few months. I've mentioned this before - I enjoy my alcohol free stretches as much as I do when celebrating with drinks, but I will be damned if I am forced to go skiing in sub zero temperatures and not drink a couple of beers after on a Saturday. Check out this article on "Damp January".