🔥 Soul Snacks

5 min read

Dear Snackers, 

Soul Snacks is growing like wildfire these days (which makes me so happy because I LOVE writing these!). Last week was part one of “Your Spicy Secrets”, which people shared via a response box I posted on Instagram stories. I chose the top ten most salacious, but also most echoed secrets from people, which tells us that the things we are probably most embarrassed or ashamed of are really common. These “editions” have been a little longer than most Soul Snacks, so I’ll get right to it.  

1. “I don’t think I’m a good mom. I have to work to be affectionate. Really try.”

Dear Mislead, 

I think we have all been made to believe there is only one way to be a good mom – pure, unadulterated joy and self-sacrifice with a smile on your face, or else you’re doing it wrong. Look, there’s more than one way to peel a fucking banana and that is a simple task, so I’ve got to believe that in mothering, which is infinitely more difficult and nuanced than a banana, there is more than one way to do it well. Being a mother to young children means you are almost constantly being touched. It’s so funny becoming a mom, knowing that human touch is a need, yet how constant touch can feel so incredibly smothering. My thought on this is that you’re trying to put yourself into a mom box that you can’t fit into. Start thinking about your strengths as a person and the positive influence that will have on your kids – maybe you’re a realist which will make your kids more resistant to life’s disappointments, maybe you like to joke around which will give your kids the gift of a sense of humor. Even though I am sure you do hug your kids plenty, you don’t have to love that part of being a parent. You are not a monster, that does not make you weird or bad, it just makes you who YOU are, which is invaluable to your kids. Be yourself. It’s ok. 

2. “I NEVER want to have sex even though I am very in love with my husband. Zero libido.”

Dear I’d-rather-be-sleeping, 

I think some of this sentiment probably correlates to the touched out thing, too…being touched out from kids is so real. When my kids were all little, my husband would come home from work and could not wait to get his hands on us, whereas I typically could not wait to finally have a moment to my fucking self. Moms are professionals at putting our needs aside for our families. My theory is that women and men have a hierarchy of needs, and sex is lower on the list for many women, so if when sexy time rolls around and you’re exhausted or just need to be not doing anything, it’s normal for you to prioritize those needs. I don’t know your exact circumstances, but if your kids are still very physically demanding, I think this feeling is so normal. Perhaps once you have a little more physical distance from the time your kids were actually inside your womb, your libido may start to bounce back. Since you are in love with your husband, and do also presumably care about his needs, maybe spice things up for yourself a little – prioritize your own needs in the bedroom so you both get more of what you want. Hug for a while, see where your hands take you, introduce some vibration, be assertive about what makes you feel even a little sexy at this very hard time in life to feel into it. Finally, if you can afford it and circumstances allow, get away for a couple nights together. 

3. “I can’t get over an adult mom friend ghosting me. How do I NGAF.”

Dear Ghosted, 

As a person who ends up having to let a lot of shit bounce off me from sort of living my life on the internet, let me just say, it is OK if you are not for everyone. Unless you have behaved unreasonably and your friend is waiting for an apology from you on something, which you would be aware of if this person was truly close to you, it is not your job to bend who you are in order to be friends with someone. You do not need validation from every single human. It is reasonable for you to feel hurt and unsettled by a friend ghosting you, but you cannot control anyone other than yourself and your own reactions. Don’t personalize it – this can be her problem, not yours. You do not need and should not want people that do not want you. Let her go. 

4. “I want out of my marriage, but I am afraid to start over.”

Dear ‘This is how I would respond to a friend if they asked me’, 

This is a hard one. If there is any form of abuse going on, you need to get out of that marriage. Google divorce lawyer, call one right now. If this is more of a general unhappiness/incompatibility thing, that’s a tougher decision. I think if I were in your position, the question I would be asking myself is, “Is there any chance on earth, that I will miss the life I have with my husband one day?” (Think down the line, marriage of your children, birth of grandkids, etc) If my answer was no, I would be asking myself if there was anything within my power that I could do to change that answer. If there was anything I could possibly do to improve my marriage, I would do whatever it took. If the answer was still no, I would choose the fear of starting over. I can’t imagine the stress and strife of enduring divorce, but I would not live my life in a miserable marriage. Even good marriages are hard, but I will tell you for frame of reference in case it is helpful, I teared up writing that first question I posed knowing how much less happy my life would be if my husband were not in it. You deserve that feeling. 

5. “Stress eating big pieces of cake in my van while I solo shop, then hide the evidence!”

Dear Stress Eater, 

You are so not alone! So many other people replied about hiding food and secretly binge eating. If there was anything I could shout from the rooftops it would be, “Stop being ashamed! Fuck that shame!” First of all, cake is delicious, so if there is anything to be secretly binging, great choice. Secondly, I’m not a psychologist, but my guess is the cake probably is only a temporary fix, albeit a delectable one. You know this, I know this, everyone with even a hint of intuition knows this: you need to do some other work on yourself if you feel the need to hide the eating because you think it is a weakness and you’re embarrassed of that. Guess what? We are all fucked up in some way, we all have our vices and our weaknesses and going back to them sometimes does not mean that tomorrow is not a new day. Progress is not a straight line, please be easy on yourself…eat that fucking cake in public and tell everyone they can fuck off because you’re having a bad day, and then maybe next time you feel that way you just tell everyone to fuck off and skip the cake. Have a dance party with your two middle fingers in the air. (This is my very unprofessional opinion). 

OK, that was long for Soul Snacks, but I hope you related/took something away from it/enjoyed the hot gossip. I always read your comments and feedback even if I can’t reply, and would love to hear your thoughts. 

Hugs to all the people who shared secrets, 

Caitlin

P.S. I love this IG food account (and the funny handle) and this week she is sharing her “12 Days of Cleansemas” with some delicious looking but also super healthy recipes for weekdays during the holiday season. Her delivery is great and her recipes are in the caption of each post. I’ll be saving this to also go back to at the beginning of January when my bloat levels ought to be high enough to use my body as a floatation device.