🤭 Soul Snacks

6 min read

Dear Snackers, 

Jiminy Christmas these confessions are getting good. Of course everything here remains anonymous, and truly, I am a very non-judgmental person, but I have to admit, after reading a bunch of replies I thought this might all be a little too dark…but then I realized something…life is pretty fucking dark sometimes, and that is perfectly normal. There is way too much pretending that everything is peachy. Everyone has their shit, and my hope is that reading other people’s confessions and reflecting upon them will help us all to let go of whatever shame we inevitably carry around, and be more forgiving of ourselves. I’m going to share/reply to five confessions at a clip here and, if people continue to enjoy this, I will share more next week. 

1.  “I can’t stand my good friend’s kid. I love my friend, and the child by extension, but she is unbearable.”

Dear Trying to be an unconditional friend,

Before I had kids, a friend told me a saying that gave me a real chuckle, “Farts are like kids, the only ones you can stand are your own.” Since having kids, this is not true for me, but I can see the partial truth in it. Whenever I am in the presence of a child who is acting like a little asshole, what I am really hoping for is their parent to acknowledge the behavior, and make an attempt to correct it. Kids are going to be kids, and some kids are a lot more annoying than others, but a lack of recognition of bad behavior by their parents is by far more cringy. If I were you, I’d be trying to activate my empathy. I’d begin by admitting a time(s) that my own kid behaved in a way that was annoying, even if you have to make something up, and ask your friend what she does when/if they ever feel super annoyed as a mom. This is the point at which you have to pray for your friend to show her vulnerability and acknowledge how annoying her kid is sometimes. I would be surprised, though, if she did not answer in a way that made you sympathize with her which, for me, would really help in tolerating that little terror better. If you’ve already had that talk with her, or alternatively, if you do not see her being able to acknowledge her kid’s behavior, you might just have to back off on hangouts involving the kids and prioritize adult-only hangouts. I feel you though, unbearable children can really ruin a good time. The good news is, this kid will eventually grow up and have their own life at some point, so at least it’s somewhat temporary. “It goes by so fast,” they said.  

2. “Sometimes I sneak wine into a coffee mug in the afternoon. Makes me feel normal.”

Dear In the grips,  

This one did not shock me to read because I bet there are a lot more people out there doing this than we think, but it did make me really worried for this mom. If there is anything that you have to sneak, it should not make you feel normal and, my guess is, since this is a secret confession, it does not actually make you feel more normal. I can understand that the afternoon wine might feel like an escape from the overwhelm of life, but I bet it’s also causing you a shitload of anxiety. I personally love to have a few cocktails and celebrate with friends or my husband sometimes, but I am also terrified of alcohol dependence and am careful to take lots of days off and give myself extended breaks from time to time. There have been periods in my life where I have been watching the clock countdown until 5pm when I could pour a glass of wine, specifically when I was home all day and bored out of my mind with babies. Most days it was only one or two glasses of wine, but I did not like that habit for myself. If you’re hoping to stop or cut back, there are so many good podcasts out there to help you evaluate your relationship with alcohol. I recommend checking out “Stop over-drinking and Start Living with Angela Mascenik”. I say this with zero judgement and incredible humility, but if I were drinking every day and sometimes sneaking it, I would be challenging myself to two weeks of sobriety, at least (one day at a time). In the meanwhile, if there is anything that you can add to your life that makes you feel good, try it. Maybe a daily walk, dance party, kombucha, or an awesome coffee with a cookie at the time you’re feeling tempted to pour the wine. I hope you’re OK, and I’m sending you love. 

3. “Divorced mom of two. Newly exploring my sexuality. I feel so liberated. I’ve even ventured to a sex club and have bonded over this freedom with other divorced mom friends. It’s something we have so much shame around as women but we need to talk more about!”

Dear Sexonista, 

CHOO CHOO, ALL ABOARD! First stop, Spice City! The sex club thing might be tad risqué for me personally, but I LOVE this for you and love the comfort around your sexuality (obviously as long as you’re safe and happy). Even for women who have been fairly “free” sexually, I think many lack that true connection to our sexuality due to the shameful stigmas around sex, but also, to the hyper-focus on the male ego. I wholeheartedly agree that female pleasure needs to become a bigger and massively more non-shameful part of a healthy conversation around sex. Another confession I received this week was from a mom of four who has never had an orgasm! (Also not the first time I have heard that, either.) Women need more confidence when it comes to being explicit about your pleasure. I think most men are dying to give women what they really want out of sex, but most women are too scared to tell them and end up faking it. The female orgasm is also not straightforward – if there is a fucking hair out of place, the whole thing can get ruined. Ladies, we only get one life, and at least one magical sexual experience should be a part of it. If you’re stuck in sexual limbo, there are lots of options to help, and I am not talking about an eggplant sized vibrator (no judgement if that is your thing) but there are much more subtle devices out there these days. The options are actually endless, but you have to ditch your shame and be brave enough to make it happen for yourself – if you’re married I bet your spouse will be pumped. To the divorced vixen who messaged me, thank you for opening up this conversation and GO ON WITH YOUR BAD SELF!

4. “Love my daughter, but I don’t like her very much. A lot of qualities I don’t like at all.”

Dear Wounded Heart, 

I know there is pain behind this truth, and I also know it is common. A LOT of people replied to say they had a favorite child, which means many of us may prefer or appreciate one kid more than another, so let’s start by normalizing that sentiment. I have also had times where I’ve truly struggled with one of my kid’s personalities. I’ve had to dig deep to turn things around because, at the end of the day, my relationships with my children, husband and, indeed, that of ours as a family unit, is the most important thing in the world to me. First, I’d narrowed down exactly what bothered me (in my case it felt like too many overly dramatic reactions and an overall lack of gratitude). I realized I was incredibly irked by the drama because, as a kid, I was always trying to diffuse tension, and stayed in control of my emotions. My kid’s big emotions were a major trigger for me, which would often lead to me pretty much shaming them for being overly emotional, likely contributing to the overall problem. Secondly, I tried to look at my child from a place of complete innocence and helplessness and view the behaviors I disliked as an unmet need. For example, a lack of gratitude called for me to set time aside, take a walk with them and point out the beautiful things in nature we’d see along the way, or initiate conversations about what we are most grateful for in life, and the importance of gratitude. Spoiler alert, it doesn’t always work right away, but making a giant effort to connect more to “why” I disliked certain qualities and trying to come from a place of genuine love, rather than judgement, really helped me. It’s an ongoing process, but I bet you, like me, want more than anything not to feel that way. Focus on the things that connect you. 

5. “Hating that I have to see in laws.”

Dear Out Law,

As Ellen Griswold said in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, “It’s the holidays, we’re all in misery.” Another extremely common sentiment from the crowd was a distaste for in laws. This is a tough one – there can be such toxic passive aggressive shit that goes on with in-laws because you’re not as comfortable with them as your own family members, with whom you may find it easier to call out or address differences. Sometimes there is no fixing these situations, but if you can, try your absolute hardest to focus on the good qualities in them, or at least something you can respect about them to get you through the occasions you have to spend together. I am a very upfront person so would tend to address and resolve things head on, but I know that can be very hard for a lot of people. If there is a time, however, where you feel you might be able to let down your defenses and have that “come to Jesus” conversation, I’d go for it. After all, you are stuck with them. The trick to being successful in those kind of interactions, in my experience, is trying to keep it calm, non-accusatory, and prepare to own your faults in the relationship, too. It takes two to tango. If all else fails, overserve yourself or fake sick. 

Thank you once again to those who willingly and vulnerably shared your confessions. Even anonymously, it’s hard to do. I think putting it out there is the first step of releasing it, however, and hope this helped a couple people today. 

-Caitlin