🍉 Soul Snacks

5 min read

Dear Snackers,

SAHM vs Working Moms – which job is harder?

When I became pregnant with my oldest, I was working as the Director for Major Gifts at an elite private school on the upper east side of Manhattan. The job sounds kinda fancy, but if you’ve ever worked in non-profit, you can attest that there is really nothing fancy about it. I started that job the year I got married. I thought working in a school environment would be a great segue to mom life, which I hoped would be on the horizon for me within a couple years. I planned to quit the moment I had kids. I always envisioned myself as a stay at home mom. I couldn’t wrap my head around leaving my baby 12 hours a day for a job I didn’t love and a salary that, after the cost of childcare and commuting, didn’t leave much left to throw in the kitty. My husband’s job is/was very demanding, too, so neither parent would be around much if we both worked and, since he was by far the primary breadwinner, I chose to stay home. With my due date approaching I told my boss, also a mother, that I was going to resign. I couldn’t wait for my permanent maternity leave to begin. 

Much to my surprise, she discouraged me from the decision, convincing me to take my maternity leave, and return at least on a part-time basis and see how it went. I thought she was crazy. I had it in my mind that SAHM life was living the dream, and here she was warning me against it. My boss had always supported me, so I felt I owed it to her to at least try to come back to work…plus I’d be getting six whole weeks of paid leave, whoopee! Fast forward twelve weeks to the end of my (part paid/part unpaid) maternity leave…I’d found a part time nanny who was able to come on the days I was working, and I nearly punted the baby off to her before SKIPPING down our walkway on my way back to work. I was thrilled to leave my house, unencumbered by my human barnacle, to get dressed in real clothes, and commute all alone to a desk where I could sit down for hours on end only worrying about taking care of my own shit for the day. I was in shock at how wrong I’d been about what stay at home mom life would be like, and more to the point, what I thought motherhood would be like. I looked forward to all my days in the office – doing my job at work felt like a vacation compared to my job at home. 

After Calum got sick and I was about to give birth to our third child, however, my responsibility to my family outgrew my desire for my independence from mom life, and I woefully resigned from my job. I can’t go forward without saying that I was in a place of privilege in all of this – I won’t call it a luxury, because leaving my job is not what I wanted, but I had the option. I am certain I would have felt differently had I been a full-time working mom in a job my family truly depended on financially. Yes, my son had cancer and it was no fucking picnic being in my shoes, but I had the honor of being there for him at a time when he needed me, and I am so grateful to have been available. 

It didn’t take long into my “retirement”, however, before becoming bored out of my skull again, which was when I took up Instagram. There was something inside nagging me to dance and tell jokes on the internet, and I could do that from home, so I figured why not try? Five years later, I now consider myself a full-time working mom and a full-time caretaker, with a lot of flexibility professionally, and some help with the kids (we still have the same babysitter who comes two afternoons a week, or more as needed). I am busier than any other time in my life. I feel crazed; like a train that’s off its track most days, but am also weirdly very fulfilled. 

There are a million ways to measure SAHM life against working mom life, but why the fuck would I do that? Both feel treacherous and overwhelming and, at the end of the day, the vast majority of moms I know are tormented by our shortage of equilibrium. Stay at home moms are stigmatized as lacking ambition, working moms are stigmatized as lacking maternal prowess and, usually, neither of those things are even close to true. Every single mom I know or hear from online is treading water. We are all going through our own struggle, so if you feel triggered by someone else having more or less on their plate than you, or you find yourself comparing your life to others a lot, it’s probably time to look within and decide what external pressures (whether its societal or familial or your in-laws or whatever) you have absorbed and tell that shit to go take a hike. Say “no” when you can. Search for balance wherever plausible. More is not always more, and good enough IS good enough. Life can be incredibly unfair to some, but for the most part, it’s what you make it. 

— Caitlin

• MAKE: Definitely planning to make this awesome looking salad for a summer side dish - I will leave out the dill because it’s not my bag, but otherwise, chef’s kiss.

• DRINK: One of my FAVE foodie accounts to follow coming in hot with this delicious looking summery cocktail.

• LISTEN: My 4 hour ‘Summer Jams’ playlist to put in rotation this season (with the help of the audience).