🍹 Soul Snacks

1.5 min read

Dear Snackers,

For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with accepting help. Even as a very young child, whenever my mom would try to help me with something, I’d say, “I do myself,” which became a family joke that my independence, or perhaps more aptly expressed, lack of dependence, was part of my identity. It’s hard to identify exactly what that is all about, but if I had to guess, I think there is something deep within me attached to both suffering and control that has kept me from seeking and accepting help. On a more logistical level, as a mother and primary caregiver, it can be exhausting and time consuming to ask for help when you’re already tired and have no time and, often, it is simply more efficient to do things your damn self. Deep down, though, I know that the roots of this struggle are firmly planted in perfectionism and anxiety. Now don’t laugh, I am aware that my image is far from perfect, but underneath all of the jokes I make about drowning amidst the relentlessness of parenting, work and life, is a person who is essentially asking permission from herself to accept that she is enough, just as she is. The constant race to show how much we can do is getting us nowhere. 

I think many of us struggle with this dance between knowing we are overwhelmed and the pressure to do it all, but I am learning that the more vulnerable I am willing to make myself and the more I relinquish my delusions of control, the better I become as a person. Actually translating this to real life, and seeking help with your kids or your house or your mental well-being, can take time and be difficult to integrate, but a great place to start is by opening the conversation with those around you. I find that simply admitting I’m having a hard time handling everything, or acknowledging my discomfort in not being able to predict or control every situation is therapeutic in itself. So often, vulnerability is mistaken for weakness, but I think we all know from personal experience how excruciatingly difficult it is to be vulnerable – it take’s strength. Suffering doesn’t mean strength and the desire to control life can’t ever truly keep anyone safe. I’m working on loosening the vise so I can enjoy the life. Let’s do this. 

Caitlin 

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