Soul Snacks

3 minute read

Dear Snackers,

In past Soul Snacks editions, I have received and responded to “Your Spicy Secrets”, and someone recently suggested I do a “Parenting Confessions” edition, so here we go! I asked the audience a few weeks back to submit their confessions, so I could review and respond to them, anonymously of course. Not surprisingly, there were a lot of overlapping themes, too. 

“I have a favorite kid.” 

• I don’t think you should feel badly about this. I don’t have a “favorite” per say, but I definitely have parts of each kid that I love and parts of each kid that drive me nuts, but probably more often than not, there is a kid in every family that just makes life a little easier on you. Some kids are just more well-behaved, better listeners and less needy, and if there is a kid that is allowing you to experience the more joyful aspects of being a parent, it’s no wonder that one is your favorite. My favorite kid changes almost daily. Having a favorite kid doesn’t mean you don’t love everyone the same, it just means you don’t “like” everyone the same because you are a human being with preferences, and that is normal. I think the important part about having a “favorite” is making sure everyone feels special to you in their own unique way. Sometimes when one of my kids is driving me up a wall, I intentionally tell them at some point that day why they are special to me, for specific reasons, so they can sense their individuality and why that is important. It helps me appreciate them more, too. 

“I hide in my office to “work” instead of parenting.”

• I hide everywhere instead of parenting. I hide inside of my car (A LOT), and also, because my kids all know my job is to be on social media, I go with my phone into another room and tell them I can’t be interrupted. I don’t know if it is “working mom guilt” that makes you feel badly about your secret alone time, but I had a stay-at-home mom as a kid, and we had some fucking boundaries when she needed to be alone. When she was on, she was ON, but when she was off, she was locked inside a room on the phone with my aunt or one of her friends, or reading a book, or would take all the phones off the hook and lie down for a nap for an hour and, if we interrupted that nap, it was not going to be pretty. I don’t know whether or not she ever felt guilty at that time, I don’t think she did, and I certainly never took any of those boundaries as her not loving me or wanting to be with me, because when she was with me, she showed me how much she loved me. If you’re showing your kids that you love them when you are spending time with them, I think that’s all they’re going to remember? Keep your office hours, you need them. (And I don’t think Dads feel the same guilt.)

“I find playing with my kids boring.”

• The reason you find playing with your kids boring, is because it is super fucking boring. When my kids were toddlers and would ask me to “play” with them, it felt akin to a root canal. Actually, I’d prefer a root canal because at least then I could just lie still without anyone asking me to play with them.  I would say 95% of the time when my kids asked me to play, I told them “no” in a truthful way, and somewhat unapologetically so. I did feel a little like an asshole telling my kids that grown-ups don’t play the same way kids do, but I have always maintained a commitment to the truth with my kids, and now that they are old enough to understand deeper concepts, they really appreciate my no-bullshit approach. I’d go so far to say that it is part of my life’s mission to normalize that a mother can indeed choose what she enjoys in motherhood, rather than feel guilty over what we think should make us happy. I will say, I am very “playful” with my kids, because I enjoy being that way with them – I am goofy and make jokes with them, we dance and sing together, and I do like some play-based activities like building Lego sets, doing puzzles, having a catch with them, etc. I reserve the right to choose the play-based activities that don’t make me want to leap out of my skin. It will be a cold day in hell that I am pretending to be a ninja or playing dolls or trucks or any of that shit. The end. 

In the interest of time, I am going to wrap this up, but holy shit, we all need to stop feeling so guilty for not occupying the imaginary role of a “perfect” mother. She doesn’t exist! We all feel the same! You’re doing a great job!

XO

-Caitlin

• LISTEN: Also throwing in a favorite throwback playlist below that brings me back to riding bitch in my mom’s Pontiac station wagon, circa ‘89…enjoy.